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| If change were impossible, butterflies would not exist. Source: unknown |
I have heard and seen a few things recently which triggered my interest in writing this month's blog topic. These things related to change... how people can change... how people never change... what is change?...can people change?
I received a question about change recently as well. When I decide on a blog topic, it is usually because of questions I am asked or I experience a similar theme that keeps popping up in conversations etc. This month it was all about change.
The first thing I came across was a discussion I overheard while out one day. Two people were talking about someone they knew. This conversation was about a potential relationship. One of the people were talking about how much the person of their interest had changed. The other one was warning the first person ... saying they ought to stay away from this individual because of past issues they both knew of.
The first person came back with a question: "Don't you believe that people deserve the benefit of the doubt?" "After all", they continued on, "people can change." The second person came back with: "Well, that may be what you believe but I think that the more people say they change, the more they show how much they are still the same... just give it time. If you get involved with so-and-so, you will regret it." Their conversation went back and forth like this for a bit and then they moved on.
I found myself reflecting on this conversation. Of course, I did not know who they were talking about. But something about the whole conversation bothered me. After some reflecting I realized it was because I felt they were both right and yet they were both stuck on their one view only.
I have worked with many people over the years in relation to personal shifts and changes... both inner and outer. The theme of transformation, transmutation and change has also been something I have worked with in my own life. I have found both things to be true: people change AND people cycle around attempting to change or claiming to be changed when, in fact, they are still doing the same or similar things (which end up producing similar results in their own lives and in the lives of those around them). Well, then, which is true for us? Can we change? If the one person was right, why would we ever bother to try? If the other was right, perhaps we would see more people around us actually transformed in more clearly obvious ways.
The second thing relating to this topic was a bumper sticker I saw that claimed everyone changes all the time ... and it was suggesting that this change is always for the better. I found that sticker too cliché for me. I do not like clichés ... we sputter out one-liners with smug illusions of actually being able to apply these things ourselves... or we offer a one-liner to someone in transition, pain or grief when what they may really need in that moment is space to feel what they feel... or some actual physical comfort and empathy... or maybe a kick in the pants if they have been wallowing in emotions for too long without allowing them to flow out.... or maybe advice to seek out assistance if they are unable to get out of a difficult place. A one-liner can come at the right time (so don't take what I am saying too literally... it simply depends on the situation and the one-liner as well) ... but for the most part we can do nothing with one-liners but agree with them and then walk away in the exact same psychic space we were in before we heard it. Most of the time nothing changes.
One-liners won't change us... attending classes or spiritual places won't change us (though they can inspire us, encourage us to self-reflect, model things to us etc.)...neither will reading a book... no matter how good it is... APPLYING things to our lives in very direct and practical ways CONSISTENTLY can assist us in change and transformation/transmutation.
The common metaphor for transformation and change is the butterfly. When we reflect on the actual process of this transformation; however, we see that the butterfly does not appear the same afterwards, yet it does have an element of its former self in its new appearance when we observe it closely. There are distinct stages that the 'now butterfly' has gone through before it actually emerged so different than what it started out as from day one. These stages involve 'cocooning' and intense bio-chemical alterations which occur on the inside. It is not a simple process at all. It is very natural...not simple. The kind of transformation or change the caterpillar experiences is unique and dramatic... having very little to do with what we normally mean when we use the word 'change' so loosely.
Using our words loosely (the way we do for the most part)... using cliché one-liners.... imagining we have changed when in fact we may only be in a new day doing pretty much similar things we have always done ... none of these things equate to the change or transformation we are talking about here. Deep meanings and spiritual truths become common day expressions we may use ... losing the depth of what these things can really mean for us on a totally different level. But then, many things we say are like this.
So if one-liners and illusions that we are actually changing don't work, what does? Reflect on these things for yourself and see what sorts of ideas arise for you. The bolded points are things I have heard about change recently. Use your own life as a reflection...
"Haven't I changed already? Every day and every moment is new and so I am not the same as I was even yesterday."
Of course this is true... physically and even superficial mental/emotional shifts have occurred without you doing very much at all. The real question is what type of change are you really referring to?
"All of my life experiences have led to how I am today. I have really changed so much and we all do. We all grow and learn so much from life and become better people from our experiences. We naturally evolve. Change is inevitable."
What I have experienced working as long as I have in my field and listening to people's histories, family histories and stories is that the real question to ask is... Have these changes been for the better? Perhaps they are and perhaps they aren't... or maybe a little of both... Are the changes you feel you have made truly there or is it simply that your situations have shifted and you still carry your patterns with you? Look at your journey to date and make your own observations.
Within individuals, it is true that sometimes... some things... remain the same...always. It could be a behaviour, a thought pattern etc.
Sometimes, due to prolonged stress, abuse, traumas etc. some people 'shut down', develop chronic anger patterns, internalize negative emotions and chronic negative thinking patterns, get ill and stay chronically ill most of their adult life... sometimes you would not recognize someone because they were so open, friendly and excited about life BEFORE they became an adult. Sometimes people's dreams die ... apathy, depression and feelings of futility crush their hopes for better times. Hopefully, something triggers a person in this state to 'wake up' and embark on a journey out of this sort of place. It can and does happen ... people can change ... do change ... and have changed. And no... not everyone 'changes' out of this sort of state of being... but the potential is always there.
Other times, due to prolonged stress, traumas and other challenging steps along our journey in life, people open up more... work at altering lifestyle habits or mindsets or perspectives. Sometimes individuals work hard ...cocoon ... undergo intense shifts ... and engage with challenging process of transformation...emerging like the butterfly... brilliant and new.
The whole idea of 'change' is a vast topic with much depth. Many books have been written about this idea of change... and how to change ... and why people do or do not change etc. Today's topic is intended to stir up some of your own reflections on this... my experiences have led me to see that 'change' is a very individual thing.
Change is possible... and yes, inevitable in every moment. We are changing... in many ways. Consider what 'change' might mean to you in your life right now. Do more than read about it or pass on clichés. Engaging with change requires action, self-reflection and diligent consistent application of things that work. One thing is certain... change involves work.
